There's no emotion that hits me harder than disappointment. Not like being disappointed when you get a poor grade on a test but when you are disappointed by someone you tried to trust. We are always having problems and nothing we do is right anymore, even when we try to correct our mistakes. No one has any idea how much I love and care for him but it's being covered by anger and hurt. He has no clue as to how much the little things are killing me. I try so hard to make things work and every time I try to take things a step further he goes to hang out with his friends. I never want to keep him from them, really, but I planned for THIS. I planned for something perfect to happen and everything was going great until he revealed to me about going out of town with his friends and claiming I told him I couldn't see him. I never said that and I can swear it on my life. I said I couldn't see him for as long as I'd like to but I could still see him. I haven't been alone with him in almost a week and I've only seen him once since then anyway. He'll be leaving soon for spring break and I won't be seeing him before that. I want to break down a cry. I've never felt so detached in my life. I'm sure whoever reads this will think I'm being dramatic over nothing but this blog isn't about anyone else but me and who I decided to write about. I'm venting. He just keeps going further and further away. He won't talk to me...and I'm laying in my bed crying. But no, I'm always made out to be the bad person in the situation. No matter what the blame gets put on me. I feel so empty from this "relationship" but I still cry. I don't understand any part of him anymore and it's killing me. I want my boyfriend back. I want us sitting by the lake watching the sunset like we used to. I want us holding hands and kissing everywhere we went. I want to discover more with him. I want to laugh with him and tell him I love him again. But it's being taken away and he doesn't see it.
I don't know why I'm doing this to myself.
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