Clean.

I think this will be a really big update.

I'm going to write some positives and negatives about certain people:

1. You're an ongoing process. You take and take and take, then you break me all apart. But you've seen the light? That's what you're making me believe and if that's TRULY the case well then, thank you. Thank you for letting me go gently after all the years you'd emotionally beat me to death. And if you're real, well then I look forward to an actual friendship with you. But if you're not then you're not surprising anybody but yourself.

2. I'm done with you. Completely done. I deserve better and I'm sick of arguing. I'm not handing you anymore chances so you can forget it. But good luck, you do deserve that.

3. I miss you. I miss you more than you could ever imagine. It's funny how when I felt we were closer you didn't but now that you feel we're closer, I don't. I think we'll always be chasing each other around and I don't think it'll stop until one of us leaves. But I'll miss you. I'll miss you more than I miss you now. You're the most amazing girl I ever met.

4. You're like a thorn on a rose. Very cliche. Well I'm sick of listening to your stupid bullshit and I'm sick of putting up with your lies. And I love how you think it's no big deal. I never meant a damn thing to you.

5. I love you more than my heart beats. You better feel fucking special Sheri. Yeah, she's the only one I'm giving the name to.

6. You make my life shine, really. Eight years of distance and we're still best friends. I don't think anyone could beat that. But if I were to lose you, I'd lose all stability and understanding. And not having a stable friendship with you is scaring the crap out of me because other than Erick, you're all I have.

7. Ohhhhh my Jesus. You're bringing out the worse in me, and I'm glad you haven't come back around yet.

8. How dare you say that to me. You're really bipolar and I really can't deal with it but hey, whatever. It's nothing serious.

9. You never ever listen to me or really care unless we're physically together which has me uneasy. You tell me to trust you and I am, but there are boundaries. But I can say one thing, we're going to get married one day and we're going to have three beautiful kids together and we're going to show everyone that it CAN work. And we'll live happily ever after.

10. I don't like the way you treat me. You talk down to me constantly and make me feel less of myself when no one should feel that way. And you're supposed to be my best friend?

11. I miss you brother.

Okay, that's all the people I've been thinking about lately. Now for myself:

Positives I've noticed lately-
1. I'm becoming more organized.
2. I'm being more alert and aware of everything around me.
3. I'm noticing the people around me who matter most.
4. I'm letting the past go. Finally...
5. My mother and I talk, wow.

Negatives?-
1. I'm failing first period due to laziness.
2. I'm becoming more irritable.
3. I'm not handing out second chances to people who do deserve them.
4. I'm doubting an amazing relationship with my boyfriend and myself.
5. I'm depending more on people around me...who'd ever think that could happen?

I did this to get a lot off my mind. Things have been messy lately but with Erick's help I've gotten through it, even though I've been taking him for granted which is a big no-no. There's still more progress that needs to be made.